Adoption Update and Baby Chappell 3

We have been home for almost five months now. I am sitting here watching The Land Before Time with my boys freshly washed and lotioned and pajama-ed up sitting next to me. I feel insanely lucky right now.

I realize I probably should’ve blogged about our trip to Uganda by now, but as Daniel and I were talking the other night, we both realized we have yet to process that trip. Our time in Uganda was hard. It was hard because we met some beautiful people, and it was hard because we saw some indescribably hard things. The orphanage was a hard place. Uganda itself is a hard place. It’s incredibly beautiful and full of so much culture, but it is also the hardest place I have ever been. Add to that going through an insane legal process that is never “for sure” and seemingly completely unorganized without rhyme or reason. Add to that doing something (adoption) that so many Ugandans don’t understand and some even are hostile towards. Add to that being the only Mzungus (white people) in a land of very hard-working Ugandans who feel Americans are lazy, greedy, and sloppy, and rude (newsflash- we are compared to the rest of the world).

We spent most of our time counting down the hours to home… to ice cubes… to trash cans instead of burning piles of plastic on the streets… to air conditioning… to sleeping without mosquito nets…to comfort… to passing the next step in our adoption… to taking Judah home to America. Then we came home to all of that and more, and we started life with Judah which has been going amazingly well.

We hit the ground running, and we haven’t had much time to process the rest of the story. We got to come home. The rest of Uganda didn’t. Judah left the orphanage to come home to toys and clothes and a full belly all the time and medical treatment for anything that ails him. Thirty-two other children, and over two hundred million in the world, didn’t. We ripped his best friend screaming and crying to come with us away from the van and left him behind in the orphanage when we left with Judah (he isn’t available for adoption- we checked). Judah went from being an orphan to being ours. We went from one pre-schooler to two. We went from fundraising and paperwork to teaching English and transitions and occasional panicking and getting caught up on shots and culture shock.

All that to say, I want to talk about Uganda. I want to talk about the culture, the people, the adoption process, the amazing boy who is now our son, but some things are too BIG yet to talk about. They are simply too much to put into words… just yet.

But there is one thing that I need to talk about.

I think I have mentioned before that Judah came into our family as a result of our not being able to get pregnant. We spent over a year trying before we started the adoption process. Thankfully, we got some good counsel about making sure that adopting wasn’t us taking growing our family into our own hands. We don’t feel that it was. We have always felt called to adopt; it’s something we talked about on our very first date. So the adoption wasn’t a result of infertility or our “fix”. We felt like God was calling us into adoption at that time, and He has proven that over and over again with the sweet, crazy little boy next to me. However, we didn’t stop trying for a baby, and it didn’t stop hurting that I wasn’t pregnant. Adoption and fertility are two very separate issues. One isn’t a fix for the other.

That was a really, really, hard time for me. I didn’t quite understand what was happening. I felt like I had done everything “right”. I mean, I finished college, we had savings, we were responsible, we felt like semi-successful parents with Sawyer, and we were so ready and wanting. Additionally, I just happen to be at an age where EVERYONE is having babies. Almost every day there is a new announcement on Facebook, and sometimes there are multiple announcements. When YEARS pass without that being your announcement, it gets really lonely and really painful. It gets easy to fall into the “Why her and not me?” comparison game.  I tried to talk to my friends, who were also having babies, and so often the responses I would get were things like “God has a reason” or “It’ll happen in God’s timing”. I know they were trying to be kind, but these only made it worse. I felt like this put the blame all on God, and He was withholding something from me or making my life miserable on purpose. Why? To teach me a lesson? Because I didn’t deserve a baby? Just because he could? Why would God withhold something good just because he could? I couldn’t wrap my head or my heart around that.

Many of the hardest days were when my best friends would tell me they were pregnant. Those days hurt so badly. Not because I wasn’t happy for them and didn’t want to love their new growing babies, but because it hurts to see someone else easily attain what you want more than anything. During those days, All Sons and Daughters “Reason to Sing” spoke directly to my heart and soul in a way that no other song did.  A few lines that stuck out to me were, “When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor, and all that seems to matter is I don’t feel you anymore… When I’m overcome by fear, and I hate everything I know, If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go.” The chorus goes on to say, “I need a reason to sing, I need to know that You’re still holding the whole world in Your hands, and I need a reason to sing.” There’s another part (a bridge?) that says, “Will there be a victory? Will you sing it over me now? Your peace is the melody, will you sing it over me now?”

Here’s the song if you want to listen to it: https://youtu.be/UGhmvNGFENE

Months and months passed, and it really affected my already shaky faith. I felt like I had to answer this unanswerable question of “Why?” or else God wasn’t Good. He just couldn’t be. Because it hurt so much. Constantly. And I knew other girls around me who wanted babies just as badly were hurting just as much, if not more.

Fast forward two years and three months, and we were in Uganda. It was in the first week or so. We had left the orphanage, which was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Our son’s eyes were infected. He was very malnourished. His feet were cracked and bleeding, and someone had taught our tiny one- year-old how to spit on his hand and rub it on his feet for some relief. He ate everything in sight, even the rind on the watermelon. He ate until he was sick. He had worms, and the worm meds we gave him made things super gross and hard to handle for all of us. He had measles and was constantly feverish. He had lost his mama almost a year earlier, and we had just come and ripped him away from everything he knew- the orphanage, his sweet caretaker, his best friend. He was in a new place, feeling awful, with funny-looking white people. Sometimes he would panic and cry for hours at a time, mostly when he would have to lie down to go to sleep.

One night, trying to get him to come to peace and sleep, I was lying down with him, rubbing his back, and singing through his tears. I sang “Reason to Sing”. Over and over and over. And finally, the tiniest bit of an answer to the “Why?” question came to me. Judah was probably at one of the hardest, scariest, and most miserable times in his life. He didn’t understand what was happening. He just felt really bad. Here I was, knowing that this was going to be a victory in his life. Things were going to be Good again for him. But there was no way to communicate that to my child in a way that he would understand. All I could do was be with him through the bad.

Judah’s mama dying and his being in an orphanage and being sick was not God’s plan for him. Adoption isn’t the best. The best, and I believe what God would have for him, was for him to grow up strong and kind with his Mama holding his hand. Because of the consequences of our broken world, this plan did not happen. Instead, Judah went through really hard, unimaginable things. But God took the broken and hard things, and He redeemed it for good. He brought him to us.

Many of the beautiful Ugandan people being impoverished and war-torn and in constant struggle to survive is not His plan- it never was. And even though it’s incomprehensible to us, He is working to redeem the world, his creation and his people- Ugandans included.

I also truly believe infertility of any kind is never “God’s Plan” for a couple. He gives us marriage. He told us to “be fruitful and multiply”. He wants to bless us with all the sweet babies we want to handle. Miscarriages and mamas burying their children are not His plan. But sin broke our world, and we bear those consequences. For me, those consequences are Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- not fun consequences. And while He is working to redeem those broken things and wants me to know He can make it Good again, that as long as He is with me there is Good, it’s hard for my mind to understand that in the midst of my hurt.

When Judah quieted down and slept in peace that night, I felt like my burdened soul quieted down into peace. I felt like I learned. I felt like just as I was singing over Judah, God was singing a victory over me. He was there in the hard, he was there in the pain, and he was working to redeem all things into Good. He is Good. Even if I can’t understand that right now.

I still can’t quite comprehend leaving Uganda and so much of the world to come into my home full of just straight LUXURY. I still can’t quite comprehend my son losing his family, his culture, and all he has ever known. I still can’t quite comprehend infertility and miscarriages and the pain that comes from those things. But I can rest in the fact that God has redeemed Judah’s story. He has redeemed mine. He is redeeming it all. He is good.

At some point when I was crying over all the baby announcements around me, Daniel reminded me that, for most of these friends, we have no idea what they endured or how long they waited for their babies. All we see is the end and their happiness.

Because I know I have so many friends who have suffered miscarriages or are waiting and desperately hoping for a tiny baby growing in their belly, I didn’t want this pregnancy announcement to be just another cute, Pinterest-inspired, end-of-the-story picture. I wanted to make sure you knew that it has been almost three hard years in coming. I wanted to make sure you know that I know that some of you have waited much longer, have endured much harder, and are hurting. I want to be sensitive to that for you.

A while ago, against odds and in complete surprise, we found out I am pregnant with Chappell Baby 3. We are so very thankful. We are thankful we got to bring Judah home, we are thankful Sawyer loves being a big brother, and we are thankful there is a tiny baby growing inside me ready to add to our (somewhat controlled) chaos.

But for those of you still waiting. Still wondering if God is good. Still hoping He is but unable to wrap your head around your own or someone else’s suffering, God is near to the brokenhearted. He is a strong tower, and those who run to Him are safe despite the storms. God saves those who are crushed in spirit. God works all things for the good of those who love Him.

Your good might not look like ours. You might never get a baby. Your adoption might fall through. You might get triplets through IVF. You might get a sibling group with an incredible adoption story. You might get a stronger, better marriage. You might already be pregnant. However your story turns out, follow it searching for God’s goodness. He is faithful and just. He will show you his Goodness, and he will hold you and sing a victory over you while you wait.

Our Baby 3 is proof of God’s goodness. But so is Judah. So is Sawyer. So is our marriage. So are sunflowers and sunsets and Mountain Dew and songs that speak to weary souls. There is proof of God’s goodness in your life, even if it doesn’t look like a positive pregnancy test. I forgot that. God was faithful to remind me. The end of “Reason to Sing” goes like this…

“I will sing, sing, sing to my God, my King,

‘til all else fades away.

I will love, love, love with this heart you’ve made,

For you’ve been Good always,

For you’ve been Good always.”

 

Baby 3 twelve weeks along! Due Feb. 29

 

Cutest big brothers ever made.

 

Daniel's reactions in the space of 15 seconds... #1

 

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That about sums up our summer! Adjusting to Judah, doing an online grad school class, a LOT of sleep and cuddling and more sleep, and growing a teeny tiny Baby Chappell to make us a family of FIVE! We are so thankful!